2011.

In life, we meet people who make everything seem senseless and foreign. They introduce bits and fragments of what their proclamation of the "world" is, a different view with every changing person.

I picture feeling this foreign, with just a few of the people i meet on a strange night. Where there are billions of people, just as different around me. Each one waiting to have their stories told.

But yet,

There're always people, who make me feel like things are real -they define my version of real, just like they put the meaning into other words like, home; love; world; and so much more.

This has been one hell of a year, adversity, pain, and enthrallment all the same.

I've learned;
to care alot less about different things(or at least try), because of how sensitive they have become and how much they hurt.

How many different stories can be told in so many different ways.

That simple inspiration arrives from merely anywhere, that the people around you -if you look a little deeper, you'll be inspired/disgusted (haha)

That, people change.
-But, i miraculously(foolishly?) still somehow have faith.

People you love, may not love you back/have different ways of loving you.

How scary it is, to be that disappointed in a person and to have the very core of your able bodied mind be told that so much was a lie, and everything meant nothing.

2011, was a year of adversity and a year of learning.

Happy new year, i love you guys.

Merry Christmas.

Because really, everything isn't supposed to feel like this now. Foreign, unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and terrifying. This was going to be the time of my life, to have the adventure of a lifetime but still arriving back on earth under my curfew with somewhere to call home.


Coming down to it all, let's just all not care anymore.

Merry Christmas everybody.

Review.

My Heart's tied up in more than just little knots, with the disappointments all around. Give me back the people i love, the skip i used to have, take away all these bad thoughts and feelings and make them all go away. I want to feel comfortable and loved again, goodnight.

Alone.

Because that's all i've felt throughout 6 months, alone.

Vulnerable

It's incredibly surreal; the phase of life i'm in right now. Often seeming that the days that come by are only here to go. And that we're striving alot more than the usual, just to get through the times. Everyday is filled with question and doubt, not knowing what lies ahead of us, a lifetime of uncertainty and confusion. We wonder what's really going on for real with everything around us, and if it's just a big.. game.

I'll say, plenty of tough decisions ahead. And a heaping load of reality there will be to face soon, very soon. I question myself on what is real and what isn't, what i should care about and what i shouldn't. You'd think, sometimes it's just better off when you're not trusting anything, and believing almost nothing. Shutting down just one emotion, possibly means shutting down the whole lot, or at least numbing out the most of the latter.

Today we live in a society, reinforced by peer pressure. How much we should and shouldn't care about things, what is deemed reasonable to prioritize and what isn't. The things we stand for are affected by the people we stand with, and neither of them should come between each other. If you think about it, we're really just alone. Because while you're busy trying to devote your time to others, they're just paying theirs forward, leading into an infinite loophole of disarray. Most of us just aren't in the conscious state to see or understand that, unless, we're really not alone.

The magic of learning to trust is just as beautiful, as it is hard to trust someone. But trusting someone, with all our heart, would mean being open, fragile, and vulnerable. You're pretty much marked with a huge crosshair over your chest. But that's what being vulnerable is all about, because as much as you're open to the bad stuff, you're just as vulnerable to the good stuff.

So maybe being vulnerable isn't that bad after all.
2006, the last record of my visit to the doctor.

No existing records may serve as reference in my memories to how it feels like to be sick anymore. Up until the week before, have i recalled how it felt to be utterly weak, ready to collapse on your feet just because you feel like it.

It doesn't become a choice, but a conscious feeling, that every muscle in your body aches, that your mind can barely think things straight because it's tied up in knots, just like your stomach is, followed by that dried throat which causes you excruciating pain with the slightest movement of anything that might agitate your esophagus.


Weak,

The perfect word to describe the physical state i've been in for the past week. It kind of reminds you how fragile you really are, and that health isn't something we should take for granted. On a lighter note, about 4 kilo's lost thanks to the miseries of the week.

What a pain in the ass it is to constantly feel miserable on top of the already constant existing misery we're meant to face from everyday life. It's just a big huge pile of shit on top of the shit that already piles on you.


On the other hand, now that i'm better, my mind constantly wanders of into imaginations of the near future and what we face. How we'll come to define ourselves in the final stages of adolescence and all that comes with young adulthood.

"We're growing up."


NOTE: Some feelings just don't go away, and some people, can never be replaced.

The end.

The week has been filled with a plentiful amount of "lasts", from the last tuition class i'd be attending, to the last day of school not for the end of the year, but forever. Yeah, forever. Big word in play there.

This adds another addition to my already mellow-dramatic life. And it's only the beginning of the numerous events, which're bound to make life seem like a terrible chic flick after the examinations are over.

Already, i'm finding it hard to believe the things that i've done in the past 5 years, proud and not proud hahahah. But, glad most of them happened nonetheless. From days into scouting, that taught me the responsibility and organization of my life. Up till the days with the over the edge crazy people i spend most of my time with, whom i learn that, in life we only live once and no way in hell were we letting it go to waste.

Priceless;
The memories i've had, with the people i've loved and cherished throughout my time in this school.

Yet, upon leaving school is a feeling in the pit of my gut that i find hard to relinquish. Lost friends, and twisted up thoughts. A month of confusion, worrying what i'll be doing and where i'm going in the next year, alongside what will happen in the near future.

After spending a majority of my time in school so comfortable with someone so consistent in life, it's tough knowing that i'm doing it without them. Everything that was built up within the 4 years, now left behind.

Graduating with a loose end, and without the people you love. Tough luck.
May things turn for the better, gdnight.

#

5YT.

In exactly less than two days, i'll be leaving second home after possibly comfortably enrooting myself to it's turns and crooks in the past 5 years. Amazing, how much can happen in such a simple place, and in just a matter of such time. What's even more amazing is how fast it has passed. It felt like not very long ago that i first stepped foot into the institute of my education which will soon be known as my Alma-mater.

Beautiful things have happened throughout the past 5 years, and beautiful people have i met. Starting from my crazy first year classmates, to my cozy pure scienced family i now have. Thankful for the bunch of friends i call "Golden Legs", and for the best friends i have and may not have been able to keep.

School;
With no doubts what-so-ever, has been the place i've to thank for all the learning i've done (although a majority of the learning has nothing much to do with curricular syllabus, hahaha)

But indefinitely, countless lessons in life. Not to mention, incredulously stupid experiences altogether.

People we'll meet in our education-oriented years, will always be the people we'll hold close to for life; because school time, being as innocent and saved from the real world as it is, involves interaction with pure intent of befriending one another out of the mere fact that we know we're just about as alone as we all can get in this strange place, and all we could use from each other would be simply a warm friendship which (if god may permit) last for the rest of our lives.

I have entered/endured, the stage in my life where things have been utterly confusing, and i really sometimes don't have a clue at where i'm at/where i'm going, but all i know is that i'd probably need to get through this. I mean cause, heck everyone else is doing it.

Despite such, conversations seemed to have lost their appeal, and friendships don't seem as potent. But, tomorrow is another day. And maybe, just maybe, i'll finally come to peace and terms with my loss.

Slowly, but surely.

Happy, bittersweet graduation.

An open letter to my best friend.

Dear you,

I'm sorry. I apologize for what I've failed to do, the promises I've never fulfilled and no longer can. I'm coming to accepting, that as much as i thought i was there to stay, i wasn't. It's been awhile since I've lost the right to be there for you. I bid you adieu, with hopes for a brighter future ahead of you.

No longer will i exist in your life as someone important, because all that i will become as of now is a mere reference to "that time that once was". I'm sorry it all had to turn out this way, but it just did and no matter how tired i am of listening to this line repeatedly, but "there's nothing i can do about it".

I'm sorry that, now we'll never go on to become all the great things we've spoken of together because we'll be headed our own separate paths now. How terrible a thing is friendship to lose, and terrifying it is to actually lose it. I'm scared in more than several ways, and afraid to see what lies ahead of us. Because the reality of the situation is just so damn intimidating.

Never in your life will you want to face such situations, yet they will be laid before you to conquer and only alone can they be overcome. Going through such a thing is frightening, and going through it alone was possibly as much as a trip to hell and back. But, after experience we grow to become characters of less naivety.

I guess, i deserved this. More often than not, i'm haunted by the regret of the kind of friend i should've been and how possibly this outcome could've been different if i simply wasn't as foolish as before. Never in my life, would i have thought i could reach this rock bottom kind of low, it just seemed humanely impossible, yet here i am reduced to what i'm ashamed of.

But, from this i will learn and know.
That, life is fragile. And however comfortable we are, and how secure we feel or think we are, things can change in the blink of an eye. And all we can do, is change along with it; adapt.

And with that, i'd like to thank you for everything you've taught me because everything that i've achieved in the past 4 years, could possibly not have happened if it was not for you. I'm just sorry that i didn't make it in the end, but a part of me will probably always be there for you.

Till my next shortcoming, Nanight.


Happy 20th October.

It's amazing how lonely you can feel in a room full of people.

Today

It's been a good time since this blog has been remotely active. Having cleared it from the redirection problem, my next task will be fixing up this ugly layout and color fixture it's in.

Today, i am in my last year of education. Subtle and swift the last 5 years have been. Through these years, i have had numerous experiences and i've gone through different phases of my life.

Recently, life has been revolving around a lot of realization of age, time and experience. How we put ourselves back and fourth through different mindsets that we have.

I have lost one of the greatest friendships in my short 17 year old life, till now i loathe myself for letting myself down.

May the time that is soon to come fix things, till the next time i am motivated to do great things.
Farewell.