On losing people.

Grief over it, grief excessively yet know at certain points that you might be better off grieving than going back. Understand that maybe it's better this way, frenzy into a mood swing and change your mind. How could you have been so stupid? question yourself if anything was really "real", form an internal debate raging back and forth within your mind arguing the facts to prove yourself right/wrong in this endless debate.


Realize that losing someone didn't merely mean losing a friend, you've lost a partner in crime ; your amigo, compadre, and any other badly interpreted synonym that comes alongside those descriptions. Lose someone to keep you company in the form of a text message during dull-family dinners, lose the person who keeps you up late at night thinking about them; continue staying up thinking about them after losing them.


Lose them in the most unfashionable way, lose them and feel incomplete. You now have no more interaction going on in life because conversations run dry, because you just don't believe as much in anything anymore. Stop believing, because it reminds you too much about everything, you can't go back there it's just too terrifying. Pick yourself up and get through with everything, learn to care less. Because caring more isn't going to get you anywhere, take the care you once had and invest it in something else, anything else, just try to stop caring.


Lose a voice to call late at night and fall asleep to, lose the person to call to ask "how was your day?". Lose the memories you were supposed to make. Lose that shoulder that was yours, it's gone now and you're not getting it back. Lose the feeling of something special, now special isn't so special anymore.


Lose moments that you used to think were magical, now that you've lost them, you can stop feeling so much. Lose a best friend, somebody you never thought you were going to lose, someone you could count on till the very end; the someone that could count right back on you. Lose them for being selfish and stupid, regret being selfish and stupid, but too late. You deserve this, feel the impending punishment and suffer in it's grasp


Watch as things change, be helpless about it. You no longer call the rights to them anymore, you're not allowed to be there for them even if you wanted to. Understand that this happens, it sucks, but it happens. Realize, at the end of the day,

You've lost a part of yourself too.

Dear God,

Take away the misery of the people i love, and take real good care of em, cause that would be.. cool ahah.

Night.

I could pile up all the care in the world, and it still wouldn't matter.

#

Happy birthday, take good care of her for me now haha.

Off.

How do you turn off your genuine care for someone.

Bittersweet.

I've never felt this independent in about 4 years, rather relieving, sometimes misleading and confusing. No longer are the days spent knowing that i'm being watched over, because i'm probably not.

Sometimes it feels like a breathe of fresh air, then again, It doesn't.
Because life is bittersweet, it always will be.

Try

I don't understand how so many things can be so uncertain. You know you love these people, but the care in return only comes back so much. I'd accept all the blame, dispense all the apologies, and take all the punishment, for people who hold special positions in my life.

You can live without them, but that isn't going to make your life any happier.

"I'm a better person when i'm with you." - Mitch Albom.


This is all my fault, i don't want anything else. I don't want to win, i don't need to be superior, i just want the important people to stay important. Because without love, we all die.

Distraught.

My apologies, i'm sorry.

Wishlist.

Dear God, please just give me my damn best friend back already.

Emotional Refuge.

In having segregated the personal spaces of my life into different levels, there should be an understandment between being physically and emotionally constant into a person's life.

Seemingly enough, i'm.. content. I physically see many of my great friends on a regular basis, constantly occupied and pretty much satisfied. But it doesn't help the fact on coming home and being washed up with so many thoughts without fail. Feels like a void i'm having trouble filling up no matter how hard i try.

To feel connected, to feel understood, to feel different, to feel the having of something, something.. more. Something which wasn't merely on the plain surface of things, something different.

Something i once had, but it's all gone now and i'm a lost man.
Goodnight